This few days that I'm back in Malaysia, I'm trying my very best to really enjoy my time here like I was advised by someone. However, it's not as easy as it seems. The whole journey on car back home was like running a marathon in my brain. It just doesn't stop thinking about whats gonna happen so on and so forth.
Many times I thought that time had healed and soften me. But in the end, it doesn't really seem so. Things that I thought I had let go after not going back for a while, apparently still strong in my heart and my mind. When I encountered it, it seems like digging up something that had been hidden for centuries, but instead of joy, it brings sorrow. I couldn't even comprehend why is this happening. That pain, that pain that I thought was long gone, that I thought I would not have to experience, came back, and is torturing me more than ever before. Maybe if I didn't come back, I wouldn't have experience this again? Together with others things, it just reminded me why I hate to go back Malaysia so much..really really hate this place...
I actually woke up at 8am in the morning and couldn't sleep any further, I would like to attribute it to jet-lag, but instead, find myself working through the awful Internet that is slowly torturing your soul waiting to load to the next page that I hadn't experienced for a while, and searching for job vacancies! Whats wrong with me?! Why am I doing that on the 2nd day coming back home?!
I don't know...
Also, the fear of not being able to go back UK is getting even stronger. I just fear the immigration border wouldn't let me pass. I don't know why but I just feel like that. I'm known for being quite negative in many ways, but that's just how I am. Really really please...I want to get back to UK.
All I can request now is for a little prayer for you guys that I will find more peace in days to come, and most important of all, I will be able to go through the immigration border without any hassle. LL told me she didn't have problem going through last time, but seeing PSW been canceled this year and the government can't wait for immigrants to leave the country, I'm really very very scare that I won't be able to pass through.
There are just all sorts of things on my mind, seeing more friends getting a job, I really wonder what on earth am I here for. I have enough of all these, all I want is just a job, a job I can get through and earn money and help me survive. Is it that difficult?
I really have enough, really....enough.................
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2 comments:
hi Chew Fatt! i think it's my first time commenting here heheh! will keep you in prayer! I think I can understand the what you felt when you said you thought the pain has long gone but yet it still comes back and haunt you. I have been blessed to know of an aunty who has helped me greatly in my walk with God. She wrote me a long email about it so I will just copy and paste some parts here :) (it's rather long):
"We all know that we believe in a Truine God - God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is a Person. He can relate to us. Scriptures tell us that when Jesus went back to His Father, He gave us (the the apostles) the Comforter, who comes from the Father, for the Father and the Son are One. The Holy Spirit is there to comfort us, heal us of our woundedness to guide us in our paths and to teach us the truths of the Word.
Then why don't all of us get it? The Holy Spirit is very gentle. He is not present when we don't want Him, or we don't need Him. Sometimes, we say, Holy Spirit, do as You wish in this place...but we carry on, doing business in church, cell groups, studies and conduct our work and life, as usual. How can the Holy Spirit work in us?
First basics, we ask ourselves - is Christ REALLY Lord over my life? Have I given Christ my soul? Mind, spirit and emotions? Are all these areas submitted to Christ? If Christ is not central in our lives, then we are on the throne, and not Christ. Once self is on the throne, many, many mistakes are being made, and we can't get out of them, because some areas in our lives have not been submitted to Him.
Example resentment. Resentment comes from anger. Anger develops when we are frustrated or our goals/needs are not met. Scriptures also warn us, not to let our anger go down with the sun. Such warning is so very important, but we are frail and fast-to-forget human beings, never take that warning to heart till too late. You are a medical student. And you do know, that some sicknesses cannot be diagnosed, cos there are no visible signs. You do know, that most sicknesses can be avoided, especially sicknesses in the soul and in the mind. And you know, that soul and mind diseases - have no medicative cure. The cure is in the Word of God. Remember, the Word is like a two-edged sword? Its sharpeness cuts through the bone and the marrow -that is how effective, excercising and personalising the word of God is,in our lives."
so Chew Fatt, arm youself with the word of God to defeat the enemies, the fears and for GOd's provision of peace. for even when you walk through the valley of the shadow of the death, you will not fear evil, for God is with you and He will comfort you.
jiayou jiayou! stay close to Him yea :)
Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself (matt 6:34)
Thanks so so much Janice :)
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