Father's Song

Guess the last time I heard this song was during EW, but it didn't touch me as much as it did today. It broke me down. I know that I've done wrongs, but God says, I'm always your father, and I will always be your father. The question is, whether I want to be His child.

I haven't trusted Him enough, and that is why He couldn't work fully in my life. That is why I have felt dry in my walk with Him, even though I seemed to be doing all I should - quiet time, cell, church, serving Him. All that a Christian should do, seems like I did. But I didn't trust Him fully. He said do not fear, but still I feared. He said everything will be fine, but I claimed that things won't, that there's still something that God doesn't get me.

But it's not true at all. God is god. He is my father, regardless of who I was, what I've done. He told me, it's okay, it's okay. It's just okay. I didn't know how to love, I think I've led people away from Him instead of to Him, even this that I've done. but He said that it's okay. He has it all in control. I was torn, and He whispered gently in my heart. He said that if He's here with me physically, He'll be the one wiping away my tears. I heard it.

I felt that my life was in a mess although others may not see. But He's the reason, and the cross that He died on, that it doesn't matter anymore. His love is all that matters.

He broke me down, but it's alright. Because through that He's picking me up. He is able to do that. He is our God, our Father.

Yee Kuan

i know it might be a bit hard to read this cuz it's in chinese, but it did touch me. my friend sent it to me:

“我要量着在我面前群畜和孩子的力量慢慢的前行。”（创三十三章十四节）(Gen 33:14)

　　这真是一幅惟妙惟肖的图画，描写着雅各对群畜和孩子的慈心！他不愿意他们赶走一天的路程。他不愿意照粗人以扫的心去催促他们。他乃是量着他们的力量慢慢地领他们前行。他知道他的儿女们年幼娇嫩，牛羊正在乳养的时候。他知道他们一天能行多少路；他考虑了然后他安排他们的行程。而且这条旷野的路程，以前他也曾走过；何处崎岖、何处凶险、何处炎热、何处寒冷，他都经历过。所以他对他们说：“我要慢慢地领你们前行。”“因为这条路你们向来没有走过。”（书三章四节）Joshua 3:4

　　前面的路程我们也向来没有走过，可是主耶稣曾走过。我们的前途真是茫然无所知，可是主都经过。这一程使我们心慌意乱，那一程使我们筋疲力尽，另一程使我们乾渴得舌贴牙床，又一程使我们喘不过气来－其实以前主都尝过、走过。

　　经上说：“耶稣因走路困乏。”（约四章六节）John 4:6 众水冲淹他，却不能息灭

却不能息灭他的爱情。他所经历的苦难使他成为最好的牧者。“他知道我们的本体，思念我们不过是尘土。”（诗一百零三篇十四节）Psalm 103:14

　　他每时每刻体恤我们；不让我们走一步过于我们力量的路。前面一程虽然有些难行，但是尽可放心；因为他不是加力量使我们得以安然过去，定是吩咐我们突然止步。——海弗格尔（France Ridley Havergal）

yee kuan

It encourages me to see others grow...

but I see myself....

work and its burdens has made me drifted away....

together with everything else that has happened...

I have been engulfed by the ways of the world....

to start seeing things from a worldly perspective....

I feel like having a change...to see if it helps improve things....

maybe I am just not happy being where I am at the moment....

But not now, maybe later....

hmmmm...

There are things in life which makes me wonder....

It hurts and disappoints greatly to discover certain things about people especially in those whom I respect the most..very much to the extent of losing all my respect for them...

It hurts when people are self-centred...to prioritise money more than serving others....and it hurts more when they are my leaders....when they help others with an unwilling heart and make it very obvious to me....I rather not trouble them in the first place if I ever knew....and I can't believe it took me so long to realise the kind of people they are....

It disappoints even more when such harsh words are said....

Maybe I am expecting too much out of my leaders....as all the time I had very sacrificial leaders and this is the first time I am encountering this...

Then again, I think it is very difficult being a leader...having to live up to people's expectations...it is the most difficult thing to do and we can't really please everyone.

Sigh......

East to West - Casting Crown

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning 

In your sea of forgetfulness 

The chains of yesterday surround me 

I yearn for peace and rest 

I don't want to end up where you found me 

And it echoes in my mind 

Keeps me awake tonight  

I know you've cast my sins as far 

As the East is from the West 

And I stand before you now 

As though I've never sinned but today 

I feel like I'm just one mistake away 

From you leaving me this way  

Jesus can you show me J

ust how far the East is from the West 

Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been 

Come rising up in me again 

In the arms of your mercy I find rest 

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West 

From one scar[r]ed hand to the other  

I start the day the war begins 

Endless reminding of my sin 

Time and time again 

Your [T]ruth is drowned out by the storm I'm in 

Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away 

From you leaving me this way  

Jesus can you show me 

Just how far the East is from the West 

Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been 

Come rising up in me again 

In the arms of your mercy I find rest 

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West 

From one scar[r]ed hand to the other  

I know you've washed me white 

Turned my darkness into light 

I need your peace to get me through 

To get me through this night 

I can't live by what I feel 

But by the truth your word reveals 

I'm not holding on to you 

But your holding on to me 

Your holding on to me  

Jesus, you know just how far The East is from the West 

I don't have to see the man I've been 

Come rising up in me again 

In the arms of your mercy I find rest 

(The arms of your mercy I find rest) 

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West 

From one scar[r]ed hand to the other(x2)  

(Just how far, the East is from the West) (x3)  

From one scarred hand to the other

Sarah sent me something through facebook the other day, thought it's quite encouraging, (she, as a non-Christian, sending me this!!) so am posting it here =)

Hey yee kuan,

Hows your christmas going? :) have you managed to go on trips elsewhere or have you stayed in leeds?

i was going to text you this but its a tad too long so im sending you a message instead :p. I just wanted to share this with you. I was watching the film, "Evan almighty" on tv over christmas and there was one sentence that really really made me think. Its the scene when "god" comes to Evan's wife (after Evan has discovered he is Noah and will build the ark and she is doubting what to do with him) and God says,

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

It really made me think because when i do pray i sometimes ask for things that id like without really thinking about how they will come (if they do) but this addressed to me the point that god will try and help us if he thinks it is right but he will make us help ourselves. I discussed it with my mum and she said that God will only help those that help themselves. If we dont take the oppurtunities god gives us, then nothing can change.
What do you think?

Love,
Sarah xx

and I replied:

What you shared got me thinking also actually. I think God works both ways, depending on the situation and what's best for us. I mean, sometimes He might choose to give us what we ask for directly, and at other times He might give us the opportunities and help us learn through them. But one thing is, He loves us so much that no matter which way He decides to help us, it will be for our own good, and His ways of working in our lives we can never fully understand as His wisdom is so great compared to ours.

Also, it reminded me about another thing, that God will never tempt us in such a way that we can't take it. He will put trials at some point or another in our lives, through which we can potentially grow so much in Him. And some of these trials can be quite harsh, involving areas which we'd never like God to touch on. In these circumstances, God wants us to stay strong, with the strength that He provides, and the peace which He will graciously give if we ask for. He comforts throughout, even when we grow weary, and He'll deliver us through. It is often in a retrospect view that we realise that He's helped us through though, this is how He guides. =) And yup, of course we'll have to help ourselves too, things won't just turn better on their own. Prayers is one of the things which we can do, besides grabbing the opportunity that God place in our lives =)

Yee Kuan

The answers? A prayer?

I think I'm getting more stressed when the month of Feb is approaching. It's like 1 month away, but we all know how time flies just like that. Think everyone would know I really do not want to go back for various reasons, but because it is my brother's wedding so I have to be back this time as I missed my eldest brother's one in my first year. It wouldn't be nice to miss another one and have the relatives surrounding my family with their usual mouth and firing questions to dig up "news", like they have nothing better to do in their lives. So I decided to go back. Then the dilemma came, whether to come back UK once I'm back in Malaysia. I admit that my personal reasons for not going back is much stronger than it is for Him. With the VAT increase, me being jobless and not much shifts in the hotel coming up after Christmas, things not looking good, ain't it? I no longer will have the support I used to get, still have a younger sis doing an expensive course in Aus, and with my brother getting married, I'm sure lots of "investments" had been made in many ways. I sometimes wonder, why do I have to be born in that particular year? Or why do I have to graduate at this particular time? Why must the economy be bad? Why must job finding be so hard!? It's all the WHYS WHYS WHYS which will never have a definite answers to them. The rage is building, feelings and emotions I once felt is surging, but I can't let go, I don't know what the consequences will be. I don't want to go back to the old me, I know it is very unpleasant to the people around me. I would like to trust Him, with all my heart and strength, but I find myself so useless, so weak, and I'm tired of all this. It's not like I never tried, even though not in full-force, but must it be so tough?

I don't know. It's like wandering into the midst, just lost in nowhere. Perhaps all this indicate that maybe it's time for me to give-up, to let go. Stop trying to be so stubborn. I hate to say this, but maybe, this is not for me, even though I would like it to be. Just now the WHYS, and now the MAYBEs. They're never ending, right?

I feel very strongly that I'm not coming back once I get back, UNLESS, unless there's a miracle happen. I felt I come a long way, in a short 3 years. I get to examine myself deeper than I ever did before, realizing I have to stop being so immature in many ways and grow up, act like what a person should be at that age.

I feel very weak inside me, I have no sense of direction, don't know where to follow. All I can pray for, is a direction, a way out.