Why people give up on us? (Proverbs 18:24)

A man who has friends must himself be friendly...' Proverbs 18:24 Do you have a hard time keeping friends? There's a reason! People give up on us when they don't feel valued. George and Mary Lou were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. A reporter asked George, 'What's your recipe for a long, happy marriage?' George explained that after the wedding his father-in-law handed him a package. Inside it was a gold watch that George still used. He showed it to the reporter. Across the face of the watch where he could see it a dozen times a day, were written the words, 'Say something nice to Mary Lou'. We all need that watch! In his book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell writes about a relationship expert who was able to predict the potential success of a couple's marriage based on their interaction with one another. What was it he looked for that indicated a marriage was headed for trouble? Contempt! If one treated the other with contempt the relationship was usually doomed to fail. Now, insincerity and flattery don't work. For a person to feel valued they must know you genuinely value them. To feel respected, they must know you genuinely respect them. When we devalue others we start treating them like objects, not people. So what is the solution? Focus on their strengths, and eventually they'll give you the right to help them in their areas of struggle. Too many of us are good at finding the value in an opportunity or a deal. We need to develop the same mindset when it comes to building relationships.

People give up on us for three reasons.

First, untrustworthiness. Working with someone we don't

trust is a miserable experience. And we lose the trust of

others when we act inconsistently in what we say and do,

seek personal gain above shared gain, withhold information,

lie or tell half-truths, and become closed-minded. Trust is like

a mirror - when it's shattered it can be placed back together

again, but the cracks usually show.

Second, incompetence. The way to inspire confidence in

people is not with charisma, but with competence. When a

leader is incompetent he takes the focus off the

organisation's vision and values and places it on to his own

behaviour. If people working for an incompetent leader have a

high degree of skill, they continually worry about their leader

messing things up. If they don't have experience, they won't know

what to do. Either way, productivity and morale suffer.

Third, insecurity. Good leaders do two things: they develop other

leaders, and try to work themselves out of a job. Insecure leaders

never do that. They don't want to train people to reach their

potential and be more successful than they are. In fact, they don't

want them to be able to succeed without their help. Any time

someone who works for them rises too high, they see it as a

threat. People want to work for leaders who fire them up, not put

out their fire. If they perceive that their leader is more concerned

with maintaining their authority and protecting their position,

they'll eventually quit and find someone else to work for.

No matter how good a leader you are. You'll eventually lose people. When the relationship is over, you'll go one way and they'll go another. If you don't understand that you'll try to cling to them or control them. When you can't, you'll be tempted to isolate and criticise them. But you can do things to make yourself the kind of leader people will want, and when the time comes for them to leave they'll do it looking back with joy. One leadership expert shares the following six principles:

1) I take responsibility for my relationships with others. When a relationship goes bad, I initiate action and try to make it better.

2) When people leave me I do an exit interview. The purpose is to discover if I am the reason they are leaving. If so, I apologise and take the high road with them.

3) I put a high value on those who work with me. It's wonderful when people believe in their leader. It's more wonderful when the leader believes in the people.

4) I put credibility at the top of my leadership list. I may not always be competent; there are times when every leader finds himself in over his or her head. However, I can always be trustworthy.

5) I recognise that my positive emotional help creates a secure environment for people. Therefore I will think positively, practise right behaviour towards others, and follow the golden rule.

6) I maintain a teachable spirit and nurture my passion for personal growth. I will keep learning so I can continue leading.

Reflection:

I blogged this cuz I want to keep this as a reminder and also I can't agree more to what has been said about being a leader.

Based on what happened in the past and on what others tell me. I simply just agree with the part on why people give up on us and to think of it, it is quite scary. It is really horrendous to work with people you do not trust. I am not pinpointing at any particular person but just a general feeling of what I just read. Cuz you would wonder if things will turn out alright and whether or not the person will FFK you. It takes time to build up a trust and confidence in a person. The trust can also be broken / shattered so easily. Again, to build up the trust takes time but it somehow is not as strong as before. (I am writing this at 3am in the morning, so forgive me if I don't make sense..ahaha..cuz I dun think I am structuring my sentence very well so late in the night when I am rushing to go to bed..haha)

I also can't agree more on how important it is for a leader to feel secure and to develop other leaders. I do enjoy working for a leader who fires me up. A leader who encourages me and makes me feel that he/she is competent and trustworthy. A leader whom I feel is secure and builds other people up. There are good times and there are bad times as well. There are times when we lose the relationship with others. I would actually be amazed if a friendship/relationship does not encounter any arguments. I agree with the part where it says that when a relationship goes bad, we take initiative and make it better. Then a relationship grows stronger.

I agree with the leader having to be positive to create a secure environment for people. If a leader is always emo, hmm...what would the followers think of their leader?

I think it is quite difficult for me to keep learning all the time so that I can continue leading. There are times when I learn exponentially and times when I stay stagnant with little growth for a few weeks. It really takes a lot of discipline to make time to learn. But it is very satisfying to feel that I am growing by learning new things everyday. And to learn, I just have to make time! It is great to feel closer to God and to learn more about Him each day.

I really really agree with the part where it was said that 'people give up on us because they don't feel valued'. There are times when I feel this way (in any relationship with others) and I was so tempted to give up the relationship because I felt 'used' (as in people getting close to me just to reap benefits off me or making use of me to do things for them but when I need help, they would disappear...and I cannot say more on how much I really despise having such friends because I had enough of this kind of people in my sec school), devalued and unappreciated. Maybe it is just girls who needs to be reassured now and again. Not too sure about guys..haha..

When I feel unappreciated, I feel that everything that I had done is just so pointless and giving up that relationship can really make my life so much simpler with less worries.

Anyway, I give up writing now cuz my brain has been telling me to go to sleep since 2.30am and I feel that the things that I have written somehow seem a bit disconnected. =X....My brain somehow refuses to think now cuz I had used it too much this afternoon for OSCE practice.

When I read the passage, I had A LOT of thoughts but now I simply find it so difficult to put them into words cuz I am SOOOOOOOO hungry now (MASSOC ball food was a bit pathetic la to be honest so I am hungry now) and I am 'dying' to go to sleep at this hour.........I shall rewrite another time when my brain is more awake.

Signing off,

3.40am