The answers? A prayer?

I think I'm getting more stressed when the month of Feb is approaching. It's like 1 month away, but we all know how time flies just like that. Think everyone would know I really do not want to go back for various reasons, but because it is my brother's wedding so I have to be back this time as I missed my eldest brother's one in my first year. It wouldn't be nice to miss another one and have the relatives surrounding my family with their usual mouth and firing questions to dig up "news", like they have nothing better to do in their lives. So I decided to go back. Then the dilemma came, whether to come back UK once I'm back in Malaysia. I admit that my personal reasons for not going back is much stronger than it is for Him. With the VAT increase, me being jobless and not much shifts in the hotel coming up after Christmas, things not looking good, ain't it? I no longer will have the support I used to get, still have a younger sis doing an expensive course in Aus, and with my brother getting married, I'm sure lots of "investments" had been made in many ways. I sometimes wonder, why do I have to be born in that particular year? Or why do I have to graduate at this particular time? Why must the economy be bad? Why must job finding be so hard!? It's all the WHYS WHYS WHYS which will never have a definite answers to them. The rage is building, feelings and emotions I once felt is surging, but I can't let go, I don't know what the consequences will be. I don't want to go back to the old me, I know it is very unpleasant to the people around me. I would like to trust Him, with all my heart and strength, but I find myself so useless, so weak, and I'm tired of all this. It's not like I never tried, even though not in full-force, but must it be so tough?

I don't know. It's like wandering into the midst, just lost in nowhere. Perhaps all this indicate that maybe it's time for me to give-up, to let go. Stop trying to be so stubborn. I hate to say this, but maybe, this is not for me, even though I would like it to be. Just now the WHYS, and now the MAYBEs. They're never ending, right?

I feel very strongly that I'm not coming back once I get back, UNLESS, unless there's a miracle happen. I felt I come a long way, in a short 3 years. I get to examine myself deeper than I ever did before, realizing I have to stop being so immature in many ways and grow up, act like what a person should be at that age.

I feel very weak inside me, I have no sense of direction, don't know where to follow. All I can pray for, is a direction, a way out.